For last couple years i have gone through the hell…or so i thought. I have separated from my husband of six years and found myself completely alone which gave me time to think. I am just finding myself and realizing that i have been always lived in the hell, i have just accepted it as a norm.I have never understood how people want to live, as far as i remember myself i have been wanting to kill myself and blamed my mother for being born. I tried suicide twice, but after no succeeding gave it up like I have given up everything in my life. At first I was petrified to be alone, there was nobody to tell me what to do, to tell me what is right and what is wrong….and what is the worst, there was nobody to tell me what I want…. I had no idea what was going on with me, I thought I was loosing my mind.It was very painful time period but I do see the difference now. I can make my own decision, I have learned what I like and dislike, I have learned to say no, and what is most important I have come to realization what has been done to me ……by my mother and then later by my husband. When I was reading some posts and articles on what techniques are used by emotional torturers it all became clear. My mother kept me isolated. There were only certain relatives I was visiting. She did not want me to participate in any activities and I was constantly told that I am not healthy and thus can not do things other kids do.My father (they were divorced) would sign me up for sports, but my mother would pull me out. She would tell me that I did not want to do anything and after a while I started to believe in it. I was told that even though other kids get things or can play amongst each other I was not allowed because I did not deserve it, she would tell my brother not to speak to me. She constantly told me that things which happened did not and vice versa, she told lies about me to relatives and other people, making me believe in them.She made fun of me, told me I am incapable of doing anything, she beat me up telling me that it is my fault that she is doing it, that i am making her to do it to me. She pulled my hair, locked me in the room, took away my clothes and shoes so I could not leave apartment, took away food as punishment, told me that I have ruined her life, cursed me, told me that she hated me and wished me all the worst in the world ….as I was left alone in apartment for days while she went to parties, I remember wishing that something happened to her so I could live with other people.For years I have been feeling as the worst daughter in the world because I do not have any other feelings to my mother than disguise. Now I know that I was believing in what she wanted me to believe, that she was brainwashing and emotionally abusing me. At the age of 13 I pulled the belt out of her hands and told her if she ever touches me again I will kill her.She never laid her hands on me again, but the verbal and emotional abuse continues. I found that I do not have to listen to her, I started having friends outside the home and pulling away from her. Unfortunately she has had damaged my ability to judge the people and tell the wright from wrong. I was raped by the age of 16 by my classmates whom I knew most of my life, started drinking heavily and lost any respect to myself. I stopped talking to anybody and my mother gained some power over me again, she destroyed my self confidence completely. I was dead emotionally and mentally. I lost all the friends and was isolated once again and have lost any trust in humanity.By pure luck I was able to move away at age of 24 to see that I can be treated well but it took me several emotionally abusive relationships to realize what I am doing to myself by letting being treated that way. I realized that if somebody is hurting me I do not have to take it. Those people do not change, so all what I have to do is leave them. I know now I do not need to live in pain and that I have not done anything bad. Even if I do make a mistake nobody can treat me bad.I am doing well now, my dogs and I have an apartment, I have a job, and for the first time in my life I feel happy.I am not afraid that someone will come and take anything away from me, because I am in control.