H2H InterActive Support Group | Throw another bean in the pot… | How to Help a Friend or Family Member

  • Know the facts about relationship abuse.
  • Assure her/him that you believe what they tell you.
  • Listen and let him talk about his feelings.
  • Do not judge or give advice. Talk to her about her options.
  • Physical safety is the first priority. If you believe he is in danger, let him know that you are concerned. Help him create a safety plan.
  • Respect her right to confidentiality.
  • Let him know you care and want to help.
  • Don’t be upset if your friend doesn’t react the way you think she should. Let her talk about the caring aspects of the relationship as well, and acknowledge that sometimes, an abuser acts like a caring person. People who are being controlled by their partner’s behavior must consider many factors before coming to a conclusion about how to access safety. Let her make her own decisions and support her throughout the process.
  • He does not cause the abuse.
  • She is not to blame for her partner’s behavior.
  • He cannot change his partner’s behavior.
  • Apologies and promises are a form of manipulation.
  • You are not alone.
  • Abuse is not loss of control; it is a means of control.
  • AVOID telling him what to do, when to leave or when not to leave.
  • AVOID telling her to go back to the situation and try a little harder.
  • AVOID trying to rescue him with quick solutions (i.e. get out now).
  • AVOID suggesting you try to talk to her partner to straighten things out.
  • AVOID placing yourself in danger by confronting the abuser.
  • AVOID tell him/ her she should stay for the sake of the children.

  • Do you feel nervous around your partner?
  • Do you have to be careful to control your behavior to avoid their anger?
  • Do you feel pressured by your partner when it comes to sex?
  • Are you scared of disagreeing with your partner?
  • Does your partner criticize or humiliate you in front of other people?
  • Are they always checking up on you or questioning you about what you do without your partner?
  • Does your partner repeatedly and wrongly accuse you of seeing or flirting with other people?
  • Does your partner tell you that if you changed they wouldn’t abuse you?
  • Does your partner’s jealousy stop you from seeing friends or family?
  • Does your partner make you feel like you are wrong, stupid, crazy or inadequate?
  • Have they ever scared you with violence or threatening behavior?
  • Does your partner prevent you from going out or doing things you want to do?
  • Are you expected to do things to please your partner, rather than to please yourself?
  • Do you feel that, with your partner, nothing you ever do is good enough?
  • Does your partner say that they will kill or hurt you or themselves if you break up with them?
  • Does your partner make excuses for behavior, for example, by saying it’s because of alcohol or drugs, or because they can’t control their temper, or that they were “just joking”?
  • Challenge victim-blaming statements when you hear them
  • Do not agree with abusers’ excuses for why they abuse
  • Let survivors know that it is not their fault
  • Hold abusers accountable for their actions: do not let them make excuses like blaming the victim, alcohol, or drugs for their behavior
  • Acknowledge that the survivor is her own best expert and provide her with resources and support
    Remember if you are aware of abusive behavior and do not speak out against it, your silence communicates implicitly that you see nothing unacceptable taking place.*
  • Preventing you from having or keeping a job
  • Interfering with your efforts to maintain a job by sabotaging childcare, transportation, or other arrangements
  • Harassing you at work
  • Refusing to work
  • Not including you in family financial decisions
  • Not allowing you access to the family finances
  • Making you ask for money
  • Taking your money
  • Demanding an account of everything you buy
  • Controlling your access to financial information
  • Not allowing you to talk to others about money
  • Not allowing your name to be on accounts, which would allow you to build credit
  • Forcing you to put your name on accounts and then destroying your credit
  • Making fun of your financial contribution and saying it is not worth anything
  • Expecting you to behave in a certain way because you make less money or are not the “breadwinner”
  • Destroying or interfering with homework
  • Preventing you from learning English
  • Forcing you to work “illegally” when you do not have a work permit
  • Threatening to report you to INS if you work “under the table”
  • Taking the money your family back home was depending on you to send to them
  • Forcing you to sign papers in English that you do not understand i.e. court papers, IRS forms, immigration papers
  • Harassing you at the only job you can work at legally in the U.S., so that you lose that job and are forced to work “illegally”
  • Unwanted touching,
  • Withholding sex,
  • Demanding sex,
  • Forcing sex,
  • Name-calling with sexual epithets,
  • Demanding sex after a violent incident,
  • Forcing you to engage in prostitution or pornography,
  • Forcing you to have sex with others besides your partner,
  • Insisting on anything sexual that frightens or hurts you,
  • Refusing to use safe sex practices,
  • Preventing you from using birth control,
  • Controlling your decisions about pregnancy and/or abortion,
  • Alleging that you have a history of prostitution on legal papers,
  • Telling you that “as a matter of law” in the United States that you must continue to have sex with him whenever he wants until you are divorced.
  • Pushing
  • Pinching or biting
  • Slapping, beating, or kicking
  • Choking
  • Backing you into a corner
  • Pinning you down
  • Throwing objects
  • Pulling your hair
  • Holding you captive
  • Breaking down a door to get to you
  • Preventing you from eating or sleeping
  • Locking you out of the house
  • Forcing your car off the road
  • Abandoning you in dangerous places
  • Keeping you from getting medical care
  • Spitting on you
  • Using or threatening to use a weapon against you
  • Driving at unsafe speeds to intimidate you
  • Refusing to help you when you are sick, injured, or pregnant
  • Withholding medications or medical treatment
  • Degrading you in front of friends and family
  • Telling hurtful “jokes” despite your requests to stop
  • Taking your statements out of context
  • Name calling
  • Insulting
  • Humiliation
  • Criticizing
  • Blaming
  • Accusing
  • Questioning your sanity
  • Do you feel that something is wrong with your relationship, but you don’t know how to describe it?
  • Do you feel that your partner controls your life?
  • Do you feel that your partner does not value your thoughts or feelings?
  • Will your partner do anything to win an argument, such as put you down, threaten or intimidate you?
  • Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else? Are you accused of having affairs?
  • Do you feel that you cannot do anything right in your partner’s eyes?
  • Are you told that no one else would want you, or that you are lucky your partner takes care of you?
  • Do you have to account for every moment of your time?
  • When you try to talk to your partner about problems, are you called names such as bitch or nag?
  • Does your partner prevent you from going to work or school, or from learning English?
  • If you wish to spend money, does your partner make you account for every penny, or say you don’t deserve anything?
  • Does your partner threaten to withdraw your sponsorship or send you back to your country of origin?
  • After an argument, does your partner insist that you have sex as a way to make up?
  • Does your partner use the children against you in arguments? Does your partner threaten that you will never see the children again if you leave?
  • Does your partner blame you for everything that goes wrong?
  • Know that you are not to blame for your partner’s abusive behavior.
  • Recognize that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.
  • Recognize that emotional abuse should be taken seriously.
  • Know that emotional abuse can escalate to physical violence.
  • Find people to talk to who can support you. Consider getting individual counseling from professionals who are trained about abusive relationships and will hold your partner responsible for the abuse you are experiencing.
  • Do not give up if community professionals are not helpful. Keep looking for someone who will listen to you and take emotional abuse seriously.
  • Trust yourself and your own experiences. Believe in your own strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and strength.
  • Call a help line: Toll Free Phone in USA: 800-799-7233 / 800-799-SAFE
  • If you have been threatened with harm or death, or are being stalked (followed and harassed) by your partner or ex-partner, call the police. Dial 911, or if you are in a rural area, find out the emergency number.
  • Plan for your safety if you are considering leaving your relationship, because sometimes leaving can increase your risk of harm. You can find resources to help you create a safety plan here.
  • If you have children, consider some of these Legal Resources.
  • distrust of spontaneity
  • loss of enthusiasm
  • uncertainty about how he or she is coming across to others (i.e. constantly worried that he or she said something to offend / anger someone else, feeling a constant need to apologize)
  • concerned that something is wrong with him or her
  • An inclination to reviewing incidents with the hopes of determining what went wrong
  • A loss of self-confidence
  • growing self doubt
  • An internalized “critical voice” (I’m stupid, I’m too old, I’m fat, I don’t have a good memory, etc.)
  • A concern that he or she isn’t happier and ought to be
  • An anxiety or fear of being crazy
  • A sense that time is passing and she or he’s missing something
  • A desire not to be the way he or she is- (from being told she or he is “too sensitive,” etc)
  • A hesitancy to accept his or her own perceptions
  • A reluctance to come to conclusions
  • A desire to escape or run away
  • A tendency to live in the future, e.g. “everything will be great when/after…”
  • A distrust of future relationships

H2H Group Discussion: How to Help a Friend or Family MemberHow do you get the person being abused to recognize that they are in a bad situation?Answer:his charming side was part of the abusive cycleAnswer: be there for themAnswer: Answer: Never, ever, under any circumstances say anything disparaging about the abuser to the victim.try and get the victim to reflect upon themselves, by getting them to challenge their own thoughtsAlways show love, empathy and no judging to the victim. How to Help a Friend Who is Being Abused Give clear messages, including: Never recommend couples counseling What is Relationship Abuse?It Is Not Your FaultWarning Signs of Abuse USA: National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE.What Does Victim-Blaming Look Like?What Can I Do About It?TYPES OF ABUSEEconomic AbuseSexual AbusePhysical AbuseVerbal AbuseEmotional AbuseWhat Is Your Relationship Like?Things To Consider:What Resources Are Available?Impact of Verbal and Emotional Abuse Author:Resource Reference:

Scroll to Top