Although I speak primarily of my ex and the abuse he inflicted on, I have had a long history of being the victim of bullies in school and in workplaces – right up to and including many of the jobs I was within in the first few years of my career. Along with the work on being boundaried in my intimate reactions to men, I have had to learn boundaried behaviour in my relationships at all levels with women – and at last I am free of the pernicious influence of female bullies.
Just recently, a situation arose at work which in the past could have escalated into me pacifying and the perpetrator taking advantage, but instead I shrugged and said “I am sorry if you feel hurt by how I addressed this situation, but I acted because I was not prepared to have my staff member (who struggles with anxiety) in a constant state of agitation until it was sorted, when you had already had several days to address this problem. Her agitation takes up my time, and my time is rather precious and finite at the moment.”
<SNIP>
… you might find the pod-cast link I have posted rather interesting (it is a bit long and not good sound quality), but one bit hit home quite hard for me.
The woman interviewed has written a book on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and she says that
In addition, she said something striking; that the endorphins of love tone down BPD symptoms, but the bonding hormone oxytocin doesn’t appear to work on BPDs, and their symptoms return with a vengance when the endorphins reduce and oxytocin takes over (about 3-12 months in a relationship).
I’ve realised as I listened to those two facts that I have finally mourned the man who attracted me (and I can even remember him fondly) and accept that the damaged individual was his true form – and his not bonding with me was not my fault.
In addition, I have also realised that many of my behaviours attracted this disordered and dysfunctional individual in the same way as I seemed to be a bully magnet in the past. i.e.
Making the changes to be more assertive and boundaried hasn’t made me any less loveable, I feel far safer than I ever have, and I know that if there is ever a chance I will end up being able to stop medication, it will be as a result of this work.
you can only move on beyond the pain and grief these people cause you in relationships when you finally mourn the loss of the lovely person who first attracted you, and accept that person does not exist, whereas the very damaged (and damaging) individual who you are leaving/have left is the real person.She basically believes BPD people are unable to bond.I had learned to be passive and concessionary, and all too forgiving as a function of my upbringing and in part because of my youngest child status in a fairly conflicted family.