Men and Women please respond: Can someone still be abusing their spouse if they do it with a smile on their face and a positive attitude? I ask, because my friend, who spend 26 years being beaten down (psychologicall and emotionally) by his wife, to the point where he actually contemplated taking his own life…man, you should have seen him…he was in so much pain…for ALL that time…then, suddenly, she senses that he’s going to leave her, and has a ‘whole new attitude, “180 degrees” change, starts making meals for him, talks nicely to him…engages him for sex, etc….But it seems that the ‘rules’ are still the same. After this supposed change, he still doesn’t dare say ‘no’ to her. He went away with her for the weekend, and before he left, I said “have a fun weekend.” he sort of sneered and said, “yeah,” as if to say “that’s not gonna happen.” I asked him TODAY, after he returned how his weekend was…he answered, “Long.” (not okay, or fine…long).He has told me how she cried one night because after working 12 hours, he ate a slice of pizza on the way home, and she cried when he got home, because she had spaghetti all made…so he ate some spaghetti, even though 1) he was full, 2) she hadn’t mentioned anything about making him supper earlier over the phone (he said), and 3) he’s told her previously that he doesn’t like to eat that late at night, right before going to bed, as it bothers his stomach. He has problems with acid reflux.He has said that he does not enjoy ‘relations’ with her (trying to be delicate here), but gives in, as he (quote), “doesn’t want to find out” what would happen if he did say ‘no’ to her, or deal with her “asking questions.” I don’t know what that means.He told me about a week ago, after having worked 12 hours (he has more than an hour long drive each way also), he brought home some fast food and a couple of Shrek cups, and told me, “I had to get back into the car and drive [the 7 miles into town] after having been so tired.” When I asked “why?” he said, “Because she wanted all 4 cups.” He told me that she found some music CD in his car and was asking all sorts of questions about where it came from, how long he’d had it, etc…and as he related the story to me, said, “She was acting…crazy.”Just last week, he was talking about our work environment, and stated, “There’s no forgiveness here…just like at home.” And related a story about he she was making him account for every minute of his time away from her one day.All this stuff is recent – post her miraculous ‘change.’ And yet, he insists she is not abusing him, because she’s being ‘nice’ about it. I don’t know…I printed off tons of information from this and another couple websites and gave that to him (about two months ago), but I don’t know if he’s ever read it. I’ve asked questions, making sure not to say anything negative about her…. I just feel like I’ve failed him, but have no other choice but to give up and let him figure it out for himself. It saddens me.Even his reasons for deciding to stay with her (he was ready to get divorced a few months ago), have to do with her…within the the past week, she told him that she felt like “committing suicide” because of both their sons being with abusive, manipulative girls (hello…most sons marry women who remind them of…who, again?…that’s right! Dear old Mom!!!). I get the sense from him that he is staying due to guilt and obligation to her, not because he is happy. Maybe he’s just so used to doing for others at the sacrifice of himself…that anything else doesn’t feel natural. He’s been married for over 26 years, after dating her on and off (she slept around; they broke up…don’t know how they ended up back together) for 7 before that. The things he used to tell me about what she said and did to him (before the 4 weeks marriage counseling and the “Fireproof” stuff)–told him that he did things stupid, asking him for a foot rub, then refusing to give him a back rub at his request, instead shooting him a ‘look’, treating him like a slave, telling him all the things she didn’t like about him (pretty much everything), saying she hated what he did in and out of bed, hated all his friends…, not to mention the way he talked about himself…were shocking. He opened up to me that he suspected her of cheating on him at least once during their marriage as well. I don’t know; is it me? Is it possible that someone can be cold and cruel for 33 years (on and off, as Bordeline Personality goes), then suddenly ‘wake up’ and realize what a wonderful person their marriage partner is? It’s been about three months since her ‘drastic’ change…maybe more time is needed? Based on what I’ve written, does it seem to you like a change? It seems to me more like painting a smiley face on the fist right before it punches you in the face.I have typed up some of what he’s said (before and after the ‘change’), just to check it against “abusive behaviors” lists, to make sure I’m not completely off-base, and you know what? they match up. I wonder: Should I give him the lists of things she has said and done (that I know about) ‘intervention’ style? Or at this point, just let things go and be there for him when the shoe inevitably drops? It just seems like she’s doing what my ex used to: Smile, and say “I love you” while psychologically beating him with a baseball bat (manipulation, guilt and coercion)–then goes for the jugular with a ‘feel sorry for me’ tack.I don’t know – I could really use some guidance and any answers you have, especially men who got out…if is possible that she has changed? Even though she’s still doing ‘crazy’ manipulative shit (crying, talking about committing suicide) as recently as last week? How long does this ‘transformation’ normally last? Is there one cotton-picking thing I can do as a female friend for him? Or just let it go and pray? Thanks so very much to everyone who responds,