Hello, I found this information to be VERY helpful to me, and very strengthening. It has helped me pick out the abusive patterns in my now EX- boyfriend. I will not go back. I know his mind games better now, I am not confused. I hope that you will all find this to be a strength as you progress through your journeys as well. I believe in you! -Katie (I did not write this information) ___________________________________________________________________________I decided to post the following again. I’m here for a little while and Tumbleweed brought the subject up to me. Maybe it will help someone here. I bring this writing up now and then when I’m here. I’ve revised it a bit, so for those oldtimers it might read differently in some places. Just like – don’t let a piece of my artwork stay in my house. I change it, all the time. But time and life is – change. So that’s natural. I hope this helps someone. It’s the only reason I wrote it. If truth falls on fertile soil, then it will bear good fruit that isn’t just good intentions or thoughts – they will be actions. ********For many years now, I’ve sat and watched women fall into the same traps, over and over again taking so much time away from their lives as they struggle to endure, struggle to untangle themselves and if they fail, spending the rest of their lives in a prison they find no escape from. Too often, their failure could result in their own death, destruction of their children’s lives, or just a wasted defeated life. Largely because they never took time in between webs, when wounded and vulnerable, to heal.Being needy on any level is blood in the water to predators. You’re vulnerable, bleeding, they know it, they camouflage who they really are by putting on a different suit of clothes. You are blind to that and understandably so. Since I was raised by a very abusive father and by a stepmother that allowed it, I decided to try and understand the madness and the spiderweb from the inside out. I didn’t have anything else to do with my time, might as well study my predators.Little did I know that some day – they might come in useful for many other women. I also married a Charmer/Abuser for a short time of one year, a year of hell and too long.I want to give women something to read that speaks to “where they live”. A writing that outlines for them exactly what’s up, in a language that they will easily understand and apply. I could quote from a lot of other sources throughout my writing, but I have provided a list of suggested reading at the end that will provide invaluable information alongside my information.I encourage people to research things for themselves. You might not fully agree with what I write here, but hopefully you can draw bits of truth out that you can use or identify with and leave the rest. I want to help you identify things early on, so you can disengage before you are bound too tightly and are to weak to break the bonds. People have few windows in life when they are really ready to “hear or to see”. I know that. I am here, if you are standing by an open window in life.Information and truth is power. Most people who are really desperate and ready to take action, want to know the guts of things, the how and why of how the machinery works, who the predators are, and how they fall victim to them. I admire that in a person and don’t like to insult someone’s intelligence by not providing them with tools they can use. Paralysis is something that I strongly encourage you to fight. Nature teaches us much about that one. Poison injected early on, paralyzes the prey for consumption. That’s why early detection is paramount when walking into a web where a spider lurks.I would also like to say that you can flip this writing around and can apply it to women who do the same thing to men. You might have to change a few techniques and make them more suited to how a woman Charmer/Abuser works but I by now means, want to indicate that men corner the market on all this. That’s another subject for another time. I am a woman and have seen it through my eyes and experiences. I am talking to women in this writing but there’s a lot I could talk about in regards to how women trap their prey and do a great deal of abusing themselves.Men’s abuse is something we don’t talk about and we should. Just like it’s not “macho” for men to talk about or get help for their own child/sexual abuse. It’s not the manly thing to do. So, no, I don’t hate men. I deplore predators, regardless of their sex.People may find this writing too hard to take in one sitting. Read some then, lay it down, mull it over, pick it up another time. Things click over time and we feed ourselves knowledge in proportion to what we can swallow at any given time. Anyone starving and malnutritioned can’t be led to a feast and be expected to eat a full course meal. They can’t handle it. I don’t expect that of you. Take what you can from the table, let it digest, come back for more later. When the time is right, everything that is true will remain solid in you and will all the tidbits of truth swallowed over time will “click” into place at some point. Your will and dedication to your own survival is paramount to make the “click” fully turn to unlock your prison door.It’s all about being a risk taker. The thing we don’t often realize is that dancing with a predator for any amount of time – is taking a huge risk. Especially when we don’t know we are dancing with one until they have drawn blood, energy, and infected us with slow poison over a period of time. The object of this writing is to bring you into clarity “in the beginning” as the waltz begins, so that you can see red flags when they are waving and not advance further. No need for a trial. No need for a computer printout to support your own radar. No need for many people to agree or approve of your own thinking. You have a radar system in place already within you.It may be extremely sick, non-functional and hardly audible by you. It is, however “your” radar so it will respond to it’s master. This radar will save your life, is your best friend in the world and is begging you to tend to it, make it healthier, louder, stronger and train yourself to listen to it. I’d like to help you with that, if you are at an “open window” in life.The poison from a charmer/abuser is oh so subtle sometimes and masks itself in the guise of so much love and adoration that you are completely blind to it. It disables you on all fronts very quickly, chipping away at your self-worth, making you doubt your own good thinking, stripping you of good friends, family, confusing you by playing endless mind-games, slowly weaving a web around you that will enable you and affirm you with support.. The deeper you get into their web, the more you lose yourself.Sometimes, there is no getting “more ready” or getting all your ducks in a row, or trying one last time to talk some sense into someone, or prove your love and worthiness. There are times in life when you can’t stop to paint your nails, decide what you are going to wear or have that last one talk. Sometimes you have to make a straight line and walk it, no apologies, no explanations and no turning back.There are a number of ways to kill yourself, it’s not always about dying a physical death, it’s about dying inside and leaving nothing but a shell to walk this earth. Predators are like vampires. They stick a straw in you and suck all energy, life and liveliness out of you. When you are bled dry, they go looking for their next victim and it’s quite shocking to you how little they care about you – when walking away. We are sooo shocked! Don’t be. We have the hardest time forgiving ourselves for being so entranced and yet, please do remember, they are experts at their trade and until now, you were no match for them. They cannot manufacture what they suck you dry of. That’s why they need you for. That’s why so many narcissistic, even psychopathic charmer/abusers look for a very empathetic, wonderful women to stand beside them.For one, you are food for them. For another you are a decoy. You being beside them, makes people looking at you as a couple assuming that even if people sniff a little something not right from your partner, they will be put off or confused because you are their partner. You become a necessary accessory for their con. People will look at you and assume – “well he can’t be all that bad because he has “her” on his arm”. He must be a good guy.Are you that charm on someone’s charm bracelet? People even use animals and pets to say – seeee, how kindhearted and wonderful I am, I have these pets!! Look closer. Look at how they really treat their animals when they are not on parade.This was written to make you finally feel like – you’re not the crazy one, like all the people around you would have you believe for whatever personal reason of their own.Families, friends, people you work with, socialize with, can blindly walk you to the gallows. Too many times they are the very ones who encourage you to stay in your death trap, to just put on a happy face and smile, be the martyr, try harder, never give up, pray harder. I was a victim of that kind of thinking and those kind of actions and inactions by people around me. Not one person in my growing up years of abuse ever took a stand to help me or to take my parents to task, and the truth of what I was going through couldn’t have been more in their face. I kept waiting for that, but it never happened. I can’t stand by and be “those people”. I learned something from what I went through and what I have to give you is powerful because it WILL peel the blinders off your eyes if you let it. If you don’t, come back to it later.I want to help you be objective, putting things under the spotlight of inspection which is where anything and anyone getting close to you – belongs. It gives you the right to never blindly trust anything and the right to question everything. I’ve been criticized because I don’t go at it from the angle of teaching the person to work on themselves only and not concentrate on the so-called badness of the other person. I have to say that both need to work hand in hand here. So this criticism isn’t bad when you look at it from the perspective of including this “also” into the mix of things. However, my writing doesn’t encompass everything you need to do here for your own self growth and I don’t profess that it does.It’s one dimension of the whole fabric. This is only about you being able to “identify” what is operating in the other person and in the process also question why you fell victim to it. If you don’t realize you’re dancing with a spider or a snake, then how can you ever defend against it? If you can’t defend against it and get away with it – how can you ever be able TO work on yourself and heal later? First things first.If your house is ON FIRE and you walk around like there’s a little puff of smoke in the room and wonder what to fix for dinner, you will be the star in your own tragedy and the first one to arrive on the scene. You can work on yourself AFTER you get out of the house on fire. You can fix dinner, paint your nails and go to a therapist AFTER you get OUT of the burning building. So while I have no qualms with “working on yourself” I do believe in pouring water on your butt when it’s on fire.I believe in action, I believe in personal power, I believe in shining light into dark places and exposing lies and poison. One small candle in a dark room extinguishes darkness. One small bit of darkness in a light room does nothing. I believe once truth is infused, lies can no longer exist in that atmosphere. It is an instant and absolute death. Then life that really needs to grow here – Can. It has oxygen and light.************************First, I would like you to know that when I say Abuser in the title here, I may not be talking about obvious abuse, as in, physical violence or yelling and screaming. Passive/aggressive abuse can be just as deadly and is actually – more used by – people who are very advanced in the arena of……..charm…… as I will speak of it here.Obviously, we want to know how we ever get caught up in a spider-web in the first place. If we were conscious of what we were doing, we would not be doing it. Or at least, a great number of us would not be doing it. This personality that I refer to as charmer/abuser will be called the C.A. throughout the rest of this writing. Many times you could also call them a psychopath and be more right than you were wrong.You need to view a C.A. as someone who probably does not have the same values as you – at all. When you turn that key in the lock it puts you on a more level playing field with them because you are now aware, awake and very reactive. A gazelle would never dream of attacking like a lion does. And yet if the whole herd who stand idly by and watches the one lion kill the one and turn it on it as a unified front, the lion wouldn’t eat that night. Too many calories by the predator would be burned up being chased b the herd. I wish we could get there as a unified front but today, I’m only talking to “you”.There are different breeds in human beings, just like in the animal kingdom. They are usually in two categories for the sake of keeping things simple on the subject matter here, Predator and Prey. There is a third group, although less in number, who are the ones who will decide the fate of the planet and they are the real warriors of this life who go through time with a tool in one hand and a weapon in the other.C/A’s are expert chameleons because it serves their purpose. They quickly “put on” whatever you are and need in order to – use you for whatever purpose they need you for. They are, indeed, the best sales people and con artists on the planet. We seem to have a built-in need for whatever it is they peddle. We need to lose that need. They don’t always repel you in the beginning, but instead, almost magically – draw you closer and closer and closer very, very quickly. Kind of like a spider or snake injecting their prey with something that paralyzes them before they eat them. How do they gain entrance into your life? Read the following and take the time to look back over your life. C.A.’s looks for victims with the following characteristics: low self-esteem, a past with a lot of trauma, neediness, fairy tale type thinking, maybe even someone with a little rebelliousness (to some degree), and a history of relationships with men who were not healthy, had a troubled home life growing up and a bit of a “bad boy”. They listen intently to you, give you a great deal of attention in the beginning and coax you into telling them your innermost thoughts, secrets, deep hurts and dreams quickly. They rapidly assimilate from this – what kind of camouflage to weave for you. You basically – tell them – what to become, in order that they might hide who they really are from you…..while erecting the man of your dreams right before your eyes. While they may not come over completely to your way of thinking about everything, they will agree with you on certain things that are very important to you. For example, if you have been abused in your life, they will assume the position of protector and will be a great empathizer regarding your pain, at least in the beginning…. They look for the red flashing lights and become a ready-made ally for you in every way. If you are a single mother, he might all too quickly become super-dad, because he knows how vulnerable you are in this respect. If you have trouble with your family, he then becomes the high and mighty voice of – She’s under MY protection now, you go through ME. What abused woman wouldn’t want that, right? They quickly want to become physical with you because once that happens, you instantly have a cloud over your eyes. C.A.’s know this about women, especially wounded women and they use it to their utmost advantage. If the sex is good, they assume you will follow them anywhere. C.A.’s know that touch and physical gratification in the sexual realm is like a drug of comfort for you. It’s almost like heroin for some women who have been abused, especially if they were sexually abused. It tells a woman, in an instant “microwave push-button” sort of way – that they are wanted, worthy, beautiful and valuable. Your radar will be come almost instantly disabled and that’s the point.. Exactly what a burglar would do who snips the wires to the phone and alarm system before entering the house to steal valuables and whatever else. You have to see and be aware of this kind of disarming “when” it is happening. He listens to what you tell him about – how people have controlled or manipulated you in the past and he uses the very same weapons, but may employ different maneuvers so you don’t recognize it. For example, you say that you could not stand it when your last boyfriend was jealous of you all the time. He then may do the same thing but disguises it differently. Isn’t as overt about it, takes a more covert kind of tactic. He may just drop little hints – constantly, but in such a way that you can’t really call him on it. He knows that if he did it the same way, you’d run instantly because everything is so fresh with you from your last encounter. He waits, like a snake or insect does, waits for the initial paralyzing poison to take affect, for the slow drip of it to poison you and you never noticing because it’s not – in your face. He’s always calling you when you’re supposed to be home for no apparent reason, or calling you right when you are to be home, or later that night he shows up with a convincing reason, but really might be more along the lines of – are you really alone, and where were you? Of course this is all because he misses you so much and can’t live without you. It’s hard to nail him on his jealousy because he isn’t really blatant about it in your book and it’s followed by intensive love-making and trying to shower you with everything you want in a man. This is blatant, but you don’t recognize it as that. Red flags wave, you walk by them. He takes full advantage of your cloudiness and neediness and will disguise it as him just caring about you in some way. And you will hesitate time and time again to really call it – for what it is. You’ll be more inclined to just blow it off and look at the other times when he’s Mr. Wonderful. We play the game of greater and lesser offenses. If he made great love to you the night before…….then that might be worth oh, maybe two weeks of pure hell or mind-games.. Sooner or later, their abuse is – your fault. You caused it by not being what they need or not understanding them better, or because you don’t love them enough, etc., etc. “Prove you love me, baby”. Geez, you could be on that ferris wheel for the next twenty years, right? Bad thing is – the carrot just keeps on moving and you never touch it. C.A.’s will capitalize on your need – to be needed in their life and your need of them. You may be a very independent woman when they meet you, but that can change very quickly, once they make themselves the center of your universe. Very important move and positioning on their part. They know you are going to equate your worth, as a woman, based on how much you can do for them and be needed by them. Yes,…..they do need you, for something – for a season, it’s called narcissitic supply. If you don’t know what a narcissist is, please look it up.Basically, it’s all about them – ALL the time and the only reason you are in their life is because you provide power that they run their life on and with. So, consequently, in their mind – it’s a fair trade. You need to be needed and they need something from you. Do not kid yourself into believing this is going to be a – fair trade. It never is. They stroke your ego and your emotional side for awhile and they drain from you – whatever they want. There is no need for them to have a conscience about this, because it’s like any other sales contract. If you don’t read the fine print, (which is what this writing is about) it’s buyer beware and your tough luck. A deal’s a deal and you pay them with very high interest should you ever want free. You can project your own interpretation on it all you want. In fact, they want you to. They are counting on that. But…..your projection, regardless of how much you believe it…..doesn’t ever make it fact. You buy the illusion, and they make a sale.Now which is it that is really more important here? Is it the need for you to get something of worth, or is it more important for you to be lied to because it feels familiar to you? Do you have an intense need – to be sold to? If so, then who was the person in your past that you loved and yet they lied to you by what they said and how they treated you?Little girls believe very easily – when they are looking up to a very important man in their lives. That man is larger than life and you are not able to look at them realistically – using a child’s mind. If they betrayed you, neglected/abandoned you, rejected you, or abused you in any way – you are apt to make excuses for them and any important male figure standing in a position of authority in your life. At least until you heal, realize that this was “about them” and not about you and that a little girl’s mind made some very serious decisions about how the adult woman would conduct her life. Until this is examined and until the little child stops driving the car, you will continue to drive your car in a ditch and into a tree.A grown-up version of this – is when a woman will allow themselves to become prey to a charmer/abuser and constantly second-guess their own thoughts and feelings and will make endless excuses for this man. It’s so natural and automatic to think and feel with that little girl’s mind in this scenario and not ever question why. Whereas in other areas of your life – you may be very mature, grown-up and responsible.One really good reason for this is that – when certain traumas and hurts occur in our life as a child, sometimes it’s so intense that it literally stops or majorly stunts that person’s emotional maturity. So you might have an adult later in life that is say 30 years old and emotionally speaking, may only be 10. That’s why so many women are perplexed at feelings that come out and surface and they feel like a child and don’t know why. Yet, they have a good job, can function okay in other realms of their life, so this really is confusing for them. Actually when you apply this equation to things, it makes things quite clear. No, it’s not impossible to grow that side of you up, but it’s hard work and requires perseverance, courage and dedication to “yourself”.. You first have to acknowledge what is – before you can fix it. Identify the problem, dare to see the truth.I’ve seen grown women afraid to drive and not understand why they freak out when they get in heavy traffic and sometimes have anxiety attacks. I simply ask them, so now that we know you basically shut down emotionally around 10 years old, how do you think a 10 year old little girl would feel behind the wheel of a car during rush hour? Then the light bulb goes on and they go – OMG, that’s so true! That’s exactly how I feel in that situation!! But that analogy doesn’t just stop there. You can apply it to a lot of things. Why is it that you may shut down during an argument with your C/A and not be able to defend yourself verbally and want to curl up into a ball instead, and yet, you can go to work and be just fine in other areas of confrontation and discussion. One is dealing with the emotional side of you and the other is dealing with the analytical side of you. One is A LOT younger than the other one.The younger one may be looking at the man in her life, a lot like the child looked at her father. If they can just make this man love them, if they can just make them proud of them, if they can just change them, fix the old problem that was broken way back when, then maybe, they can finally have some peace in their lives. Abused children all too often believe the failure of their parents is all their fault, so if they can pick a man that will be the person in the skit that helps them work this out once and for all, they might just out of this the Victor this time. I’m sad to report, I’ve never seen this one work. Sounds good in theory, but it flops miserably in application. C.A.’s need you to quickly put them into your inner circle – whereby you consider them to be of like-minds with you, a kindred spirit, soulmate sort of thing. When that happens – you basically dismiss a lot of red flags because you have completely validated them as – being like you in some majorly important ways. This are usually sensitive issues. Where “you really live” kind of issues. Therefore, you cannot possibly suspect them of a lot of things. It would be like putting yourself on trial! You’re like-minds now, remember? Accuse them, accuse yourself. Think about this one – very hard. It is one of the worst snags that will hook you and take a great deal from you when the hook is ultimately yanked. They find that platform where you have your deepest hurts and strongest opinions and they become your ally, your cheerleader, your confidant, your defender, etc., etc.They become – your ALL and POOF you’re sucked in hook, line and sinker and you’re also very stripped of all your defenses, your strengths and very, very isolated with them. They are inside your sanctuary and castle walls with you. Oftentimes, the very people who have wounded you the worst, are the very same kind of people that can empathize with you – the best. And why wouldn’t they?A predator – knows his victims – very well. They study them. They have to, in order to trap them. We need to study them as well. It’s called – playing offense instead of defense. Learning to be savvy – will work on our part. Rest very assured – they will do their homework regarding you. Be willing to be as quick to forgive yourself when it comes to making a mistake in character. One of the biggest stumbling blocks with women is that they cannot get past this. They should have known better, and this man is like me, I just know he is, if I judge him, I’m judging myself, etc., etc. For one, you have every right to “judge and discern” what comes into your life and gets very close to you. People frown on “judging” but I call it a very necessary survival tool. It’s basically just critical thinking. Learn to love it, not hate it. C.A.’s do NOT respect you as a woman or as a person – at all….BUT….they will go to great lengths to convince you – they do. They will quickly put you up on a high pedestal, where they supposedly worship at your feet. No one in the world is more beautiful or more important in their lives. You are the bomb! Look at what I’ve got here! Just remember that I use the word “quickly” a lot. Someone genuinely thinking you’re wonderful and all that – isn’t necessarily bad. But, it is highly suspicious when it happens – very quickly and when it’s – Overkill. Sure, in some rare case, you could just click – if you meet the right person. But, I warn you about making this your basis for all your relationships. You are a sitting duck. Genuine feelings that really matter in the long run – take time. If it’s too fast and too good to be true – guess what? C.A.’s don’t have time. They have to do everything quickly. They want what they want and they want it NOW. So, hurry up and get charmed, so this ball game can get underway. A lion after a gazelle knows to first go for the young and naïve, or the wounded one. They only have so many calories to burn and if they have to chase and chase their prey, they starve to death. Predators count on – your need to get instantly stroked all the way around – as their “in”. This is your blind side and they go right for it. They make you feel like a princess early on and get you eating out of their hand. You will ultimately also become the dog they kick when they feel a little pain or discomfort or don’t get their way about something. It’s confusing to you because how could someone so wonderful suddenly turn on me like this!!!??? It must be my fault! That’s the child thinking, with no real analytical process involved at all. Only emotion and old wounds behind the steering wheel.A predator expends what he considers his precious energy on getting you charmed and hooked fast. That’s work for them, so at some point, they will demand all that hard work back with interest and more than not their prey will spend some time in total disbelief. I’m here to remind you to “wake up” very fast and react. They will educate you on how women in their past have not met the mark with them. How they have failed them in some respect. It’s called – giving you a challenge you cannot resist as a woman. Especially, if you are a woman who sees her worth being linked to – how much she is needed by a man, or how much she can “down” the competition. They are basically saying to you – here, see what you can do. Prove to me, that you are worthy and prove to me that you can be better than all these other women. Do the impossible! I’m waiting…! And that’s just what an abuse victim loves to hear…..and C.A.’s deeply know this. Abused women – are very used to being superhuman and performing the impossible and having to work for every sliver of love and attention they get. So, this challenge is more like alcohol being sat in front of an alcoholic. It’s second nature. C.A.’s hit you hard and heavy and isolate you. They call you a lot, they want to be with you a lot. They will not respect your need for personal space, but will disguise that with – I just have to be with you because I can’t get you out of my mind. They will usually talk to a lot about how wonderful they are, especially in the areas of what you need them to be. It will be tailor made, just for you. They will dazzle you with their dance and try to effectively shut down all your protective barriers. They will also want to pull you away from your friends, family and children. They need you to be tuned into – just them, if they are going to effectively charm you in a small amount of time.Like any teacher in any classroom – they have to have your undivided attention in order to teach you what they want you to learn. So, they don’t want you comparing notes with anyone else or getting someone else’s read on them. Someone who isn’t blind to them – will see them for what they are and tell you. They want to get you in that cloudy zone as soon as possible where you are wrapped up with them physically, dependent on them in some way, and are providing them with what they need so you feel needed by giving. They know that once you get effectively hooked in this regard – you will vehemently fight off anyone, including your own flesh and blood – in order to keep this realm of importance that you’ve got going on here. They count on you – to do just that. They load the gun for you and you pick it up and use it. That way – their hands are clean. You did their dirty work – for them. You end up driving away the very people that could help you the most. They did absolutely nothing and if you say so – you’re a crazy woman! They use circular reasoning on you a lot. They know how to trap you in debate and find the places in you where you shut down, feel guilt, or feel sorry for them. They find what works and spin you effectively. You just have to find out – what it is they do.One thing that I’ve noticed with a few people in my own life is that they never would say they were sorry for anything. Instead, they say something more along the lines of…I’m sorry “you” took what I said that way or I’m sorry you feel like that. But it never came out of their mouth that they were actually sorry for anything in particular. They would avoid that one and you would miss it because you’re so trained to think everything is your fault and you have to run harder and faster, faster. Or it’s a thing of if I really push this then they can put the pressure on me in this area, or cut me off, or draw blood for me over here. So I have to negotiate this. How easily do we really notice when negotiation and compliance and looking over things – becomes a tyranny?There are the ones that say – I’m sorry Babe. like it was a push button response with no meaning attached to it whatsoever because it never becomes action. It was just something said to appease you. The words came out but where were the actions that back it up? They expect you to be all-seeing and all-knowing when it comes to their moods and their feelings and their thoughts about things. You are just expected to be all over that one and super sensitive to them. And YET, when they walk all over YOUR feelings, you don’t see them even blink twice as to what they just did to you or how they just ripped your heart out. You’re just too sensitive and not a good sport or not tough enough.There’s no empathy going on with these people. But oh how they expect it of you when it comes to YOU being tuned into their every ripple of emotion. You need to be very intuitive to them but you never see it back from them to you UNLESS it’s when they are trying to figure you out, check up on you or trying to con you about something, THEN they are oh so sensitive and read you like a book or try to. C.A.’s desensitize and numb their victim. They wear them out with endless mindgames and circular reasoning. Being very weary and tired and confused is a very bad state of mind to be in with a predator. Exhausted, made dependent on their predator, now accepting one crumb of bread as sufficient food between mental, emotional, psychological or physical batterings, or a combination of all four – they render you helpless and without strength enough to fight effectively. Sometimes, because of your situation, all you can muster is one good spurt of well-planned and executed energy directed like a laser beam in the direction of your freedom. You may not be able to maintain gaining strength for any length of time. So this may be your best plan. Conserve, lay your plan well, use your best strengths, cut your losses, and establish in your own mind what is absolutely the most important things. What you can live with and what you really can – live without.One thing you “can” live without is someone else telling you who you are, what you are about, what should or should not stroke your real ego (preferably a healthy one) and that you have to “make a deal” with the likes of them to get your cookie that now costs $10 when it used to cost – 5 cents. Sometimes the best way out of the forest is walking a straight line, no more circles, a very light backpack on your back and a very strong will to ensure your own safety and those who depend on you – as the only thing that matters or is – of value. We can never pick up a tool in life and use it, that we don’t have a weapon (your critical thinking mind) in the other hand that says – I am discerning your every move. You respect my boundaries and we’re just fine. The minute you cross them, we’re not okay. Lastly, but definitely not the least of the red flags is – anyone who doesn’t like children or animals, is uncomfortable around them is someone that is just “off” my personal list of getting into my inner circle. It’s proved to be extremely true in that – you are more likely dancing with a person who knows nothing of empathy. They may mimick it, they may have children or pets that are more like accessories, but where is the true feeling attached to what they proclaim? If you don’t really “feel that”, all I can say is RUN.Time is your friend, use it wisely, slow it doooowwwnnnn, look, listen, question. Make people walk through a series of gates and gardens and porches and outer rooms of your life before letting them right in to your inner sanctuary based on a good sales job.You do not owe anyone a thick book on how or why you came to your conclusion to back off and cut it off. C.A.’s are absolutely great at convincing you – that you owe them this. Bullshit. As if, they are some powerfully important figure in your life that you need to automatically trust without any discernment or questioning. If they are doing this to you, they are obviously NOT important to you and should not be have that title – as you are leaving the relationship. Own your wellbeing. You walked in, you can walk out. Same legs. Use them.So many women make the very bad mistake of doing something like…….giving them this writing, for example, and shoving their face in it and saying – SEE how you are to me??? I gasp when I hear women do this. For one, it only backfires. Now you’re telling them what you know and you’re just giving them more ammunition for them to use on you. If you’re just learning this, you are no match for them and they will quickly disarm you. You’re still weak from eir dance and you still may love them, or love the illusion you had – of them, the one they painted for you.Beating them over the head with this book isn’t going to make them cower or somehow magically love you, or change. For one, if they were going to change on their own, it wouldn’t take you threatening to leave them, or going to a counselor. They would see they hurt you, soon after they did and be the first one to say – Oh My God, I am soooo sorry!! And then……….they would change their behavior. It wouldn’t be because – you’re going to leave them, or because it’s now required that they go to counseling. If that’s the case, don’t waste your time or your money. If you someone is able later to supposedly see so clearly how they wronged or hurt someone – why can’t they see and immediately be aware of it – when they do it? Extremely good question.I’ve seen so many women who are almost all the way out and have put many steps into walking away. They get lulled back because they still talk to them, even after a mountain of evidence is right in front of them. All I see is a little girl who wants to be the reason that her father finally loves her and she will believe anything he says. All logic and reasoning goes out the window. That little girl at some point has to be driven out of harm’s way and to safety by the adult self.You can grow her up but you can never do it while in abuse and you can’t expect a predator to ever be on your same page. We get caught up in telling them why and why not and how and when, etc., etc. They put US on trial – for what they did. We feel like we owe them all this. Whether we like it or not, we are giving great power to someone who does not consider our best interests at all. A person who respects you might ask for clarification to a degree, just so they understand you and then – that’s it. They have enough self-respect for themselves and for you to listen to what you said and consider it with give and take communication, not manipulation.Your continuing need to engage with them – tells them – you don’t mean a word you say when it comes to boundaries. It means nothing to them now. You may have barked at them, but that’s about it. You’re back in the ring trying to validate your assessment of things with the very person that did it to you in the first place. So, you are putty in their hands – simply because you walked back out onto the dance floor. Whatever respect you imagined them to have for you – is now completely and absolutely gone. You are definitely prey to them now and deserve triple punishment from them now.They will toy with you at will, because you have given them that power over you. They are putting a lot of trust in the fact that – you do not trust your own judgment. If you need to constantly talk to them about why you thought this or that or got hurt about whatever – they instantly know that you don’t trust yourself. HUGE mistake. A confident woman would just call it and that would be the end of it. She would trust her own mind and her own feelings and would not feel compelled to get it validated from the direction those hurts came from in the first place.It sounds crazy when you really look at it like this, that you would want validation from the very person that hurt you. This goes back to why you look like such easy prey to them. If he knows you already were a victim of some kind, especially if it was your father or male family member or male authority figure, he will quickly assume that position of trust and manipulation vantage point. You’re blind on a certain level and he knows it. If he has assumed the position and you have put a lot of trust in him early on – you are going to treat him like a father would be treated. You will give him this respect and position of power and authority over you – because that is what your little girl that you used to be – would do regarding the man in her life back then.Since you put this man in that super powerful position – the hardest person in the world to convince that a mistake has been made – is you, the victim, the little girl. After all, they have first chair with us. We have to work it out, make it fit, or change it somehow. What I want to know is – how can someone who has known you for such a short time – have enough clout and importance in your life – to be allowed the right to speak louder and with more authority over the person who knows you best? That person – is you.C.A.’s will storm your gates in the beginning and in the end. They will initially storm your gates with quick flattery, camaraderie, and feigned empathy. In the end they will storm your gates with insults, total disrespect and will look like someone you do not know at all. They will hit your gates hard and heavy with whatever works – when you decide to walk away. If trying to get you to give them a computer printout on how you arrived at your conclusion and talking it to death doesn’t work – then they will storm your gates and bust every boundary as quickly as you can erect it. However, if they are not getting what they want – they will hit you hard, but not forever. There are more fish in the sea. So, do not move your boundaries – one inch. Say what you mean and mean what you say – consistently and absolutely and you don’t owe anyone – an explanation – as to why.C.A.’s are entitled brats and bullies. They respect nothing and no one. They count on you not being able to forgive yourself – for making a completely wrong assessment of – who they were or who you thought they were. That is one of their best and most dangerous weapons against you.You have to make it work now because you took the bait initially, so you’re part of it now. If you are so proud that you cannot be humble enough to say – I made a mistake and walk away from it – they will have you for dinner – a second time around, a third and a fourth time….until…..they don’t need you anymore or there is no longer anything left of you. And pleaseeeee don’t let the trick annoy you of – “they found a better woman”, look at HER, she’s prettier, she’s sexier, she’s this, she’s that. What an old, worn out, completely lame trick and yet, women fall for it. Have more self-respect than this. Realize that once and for all that for some people to approve of you – is an absolute insult. You are not “like them” because you once believed their lies, okay?You can learn how to live offensively and pro-active on your own behalf instead of always playing defense. A predator is completely turned off by anyone that let’s time be their friend, keeps them at arm’s length despite their charm, uses discernment, and maybe actually has written down in print – what she wants and will not allow. It’s called – boundaries. Make someone wait for everything. This is also called – manners and respect. The person who is genuinely interested in you – won’t push. They won’t try and dazzle you in any way. They will……..wait. If they don’t do this and you jump…….you are in for – a ride. As much as we may be addicted to adrenaline and drama/trauma, you can become – an addict no more, but it takes work on your part. Peace can seem boring at first, but give it time. Like any addiction – normalcy always seems – boring when you are without your addiction.Always look at what you are doing and if you find it really hard to stop engaging long enough to be rational – just remember that if this person has become a larger than life dominant factor in your life………they are not this godlike image of what your father was or should have been. They are – what they are and you have a good enough mind to call it. Please give yourself permission to see it – just like it is – with your adult mind, not your little girl mind.Super heroes – are fairy tales. The real heroes in life are usually tormented in real life and are the “unknown” among us. Real villains – can do much damage while wearing – superman’s cape. In fact – they can get away with anything and everything. Do not give them that power. Take your power back. What is real and true and good for you – will come by way of……you believing you have the right – to choose and not be chosen. Prey is chosen by the predator. You have do have the right to be the person that interviews – yes?If you have just come out of a bad relationship, the very LAST thing you need to do is get right into a relationship with anyone. You need your alone time, time of healing, time of clarity, time to learn all over again or for the first time – how to depend on “you” and be a whole person. Two whole persons make a relationship, not two halves.You will become more mature in these areas, by educating – your little girl and helping her to grow up. She got stuck back there somewhere and who could blame her? I wouldn’t. But, you can take her by the hand and teach her, so that the voice you listen to – isn’t a little girl’s cries and screams for that one special man to love her. It will be the voice that says – I am wiser and older. I know what I want and what I don’t want. I know where I’m vulnerable and where I am strong. I like myself now and I have requirements that will take some time to discern regarding anyone who gets into my sanctuary. My radar is up and running and I am doing the choosing, not the other way around. I am in control of my life.Alone. People are so very afraid of this word and it’s meaning. But if you never take the time to know yourself and like yourself then – being alone – isn’t fun. If you become someone of value, someone YOU respect and admire and like – then know that your kind and the kind you will attract are few on the planet. It’s a fact. Learn to be okay with it. If you bargain for less and make a deal, then you are less and what you get in return will be less and continue to dissolve before your very eyes. Any thing counterfeit can never hold it’s glitter for long, remember that. Sometimes being alone, is the best place for you until you discern that someone meets your qualifications to be IN your inner circle.We can…..and we need to…….learn how to be alone, have friends, acquaintances, people we do things with, people who have the same interests that we do, but people we do NOT immediately let into our inner sanctum without tremendous discernment and scrutiny. We can have fun, have a full life, have interests, travel, do sports, the arts, dance, whatever jazzes us and still live in a castle that is very well guarded. If someone worthy walks by – fine. If they don’t, you won’t dissolve into a puddle on the floor. You are complete without someone. Don’t buy into the hollywood version of – you’re not complete without this other half. You can be a “whole” looking for another – “whole person”.I wish you peace and I hope you want that as well. The glass is half full and on the table in front of you. It’s time for………..”you”. I don’t care how old you are, how many times you’ve fallen, gotten up again, or how many lovers or marriages and divorces you’ve had, today is all you have. Life is a learning curve, respect it. This moment is all you have. Be VERY PRESENT in it. You don’t have the past anymore and you don’t have the future. But you can affect your future by what you do NOW. I also want to warn you that truth hurts. Sometimes the truth is almost like poison because before it heals you – it guts you. You can be gutted my the effect of lies or the truth. It’s always your choice.Truth often angers people. Lies don’t like to be exposed. It’s like doing surgery on a very infected place and removing a foreign object causing all the pain. No one wants to go through that but the alternative is what? Live with infection that is ever advancing? Some pain is very healing. It’s all about how you choose to spend your energy. Sapere Aude.People of the Lie by Dr. Scott PeckWithout Conscience by Dr. Robert HareThe Gift of Fear by Gavin de BeckerHow you Spot a Dangerous Man by Sandra L. BrownBroken children, Grown-up Pain by Paul Hegstromeverything you need to do here for your own self growth and I don’t profess that it does.