My H2H Friends: A good friend from work started confiding in me a little over a year ago about the way he had been treated for decades by his wife. Some of the things he said about her treatment rang familiar to me (spitting at him, rolling eyes, treating him like he was stupid and like he was her personal slave, saying she hated all his friends and basically everything about him, making him feel unworthy of her, etc.). As I started talking to him more and more, I could see that he showed signs of someone who has been abused. He degraded himself, calling himself stupid a lot. He spoke of death a lot. He said things like, “You can kick me if you want to. I won’t mind.” He reminded me of myself 5 years before. So, I came to this site after not having been here since awakening to my own abusive relationship. I went to a number of other websites that also address abuse, and one thing was clear; though I never met her, his descriptions of her behavior checked off the majority of many lists describing abusers, and he had all the signs of someone being abused. I printed off some information for him…pages and pages of it, as we ‘non’s are advised to do. I don’t know that he ever read them, but he accepted them graciously. He talked of divorcing her. He spoke like he was over her emotionally. He asked her for a divorce, and she went over the top typical honeymoon phase – going to counseling, took out the “Fireproof” DVD and workbooks she’d kept two years prior (I suspect in case he found out about her affair), started cooking homemade food for the first time in years, offered sex to him for the first time in years, and clung to him every spare minute of the day, calling him numerous times every day.He fell for it, for a while. He said, “If she’d been this way the whole time, we wouldn’t have gotten to this point.” I worried a little, but decided to let him figure things out on his own. Last summer, he said he felt suffocated, and resentful; he said that it was too late for him to resurrect any feelings for her anymore, and that her newly ‘loving’ behavior was too much (over the top – typical fake b.s. for an NPD / abuser). I printed off some more information. This spring, something seems to have changed in him. He seems somehow mesmerized by her. He seems like a drone or something, completely loyal to her. It’s weird. I watch him sometimes when he and I chat, and it’s like he’s disappearing right before my eyes. It’s like he’s under a trance. I sense that the topic of ‘her’ is off-limits.He notices the abusive and controlling behavior of his son’s wife and his other son’s girlfriend, but does not notice the exact same / smiliar behavior in his wife. He excuses her behavior and enables her victim mentality by saying she’s getting screwed by her job (a major national company that if they were really ‘screwing’ their employees, we’d all hear about it), and that she was a middle child (which drives me insane). He admits that as the eldest in his family, he was the black sheep. He was surprised to learn that though I’m the youngest, I am also the black sheep (but she gets a free pass cuz she’s a middle child – in a family of four siblings…).I don’t know what the hell happened, but last summer, he was calling her on her “Bullshit,” and seemed like he was completely emotionally disconnected. I felt like he was so close to finally getting free and having a chance at happiness. Lately, though, he just seems…different. The past couple of times I’ve joked with him, he’s acted sincerely offended / hurt and calls me “mean,” saying I’ve hurt him. This bothers me, because he once told me that he could never tease her or joke with her (she would get offended and act hurt)…so it seems that he’s started to take on her victim mentality himself. He will respond to things I say in a way that makes me wonder if he’s even heard what I said. He once spoke of his own father, who he sees as controlling (his sons see him and his wife the same way…ahem). He said that Father lived with he and wife while sick; then when my friend finally stood up to Father, Father packed his bags and moved out. I said, tongue in cheek, “Why don’t you try that with your wife? Stand up to her, and maybe she’ll move out.” He replied, “Yeah, she doesn’t take crap from [Father], either.” Well, I went ahead for a third time and gave him some more information on abuse, signs of an emotional bully, how to tell they are not changing, signs of someone who has been abused, and the national domestic abuse hotline contact information. He again took it graciously. I also gave him a book, “Too good to leave, Too bad to stay” that doesn’t come right out and mention abuse, but breaks it down into patterns of how couples relate to one another. He seemed responsive (but who knows if he’s even interesting in moving in any direction at all?).I wonder if the way he is now acting is a defense / Stockholm Syndrome response? He must divert the conversation away from Victim (wife), or else there will be hell to pay?? “Don’t you dare let anyone say that about me” ??? I sense that: He has resigned himself to staying with her, and is coping by playing her games, staying under the radar, being a good little hubbie-pie (according to her rules), so he can continue to see his sons and grandson. I don’t know. My questions: When someone walks back into the abyss, and starts going weird (acting like the abuser / acting emotionally connected and loyal to their abuser / treating supportive friends like we are abusing them / defending their abuser), is that a sign that they are moving towards ‘rock bottom’ and may soon wake up? Or, is it a sign that I need to throw my hands up in the air and walk away? Is he a lost cause? Is there anything I can do, other than get on with my life and let him come to me about when he’s ready? Should I tell him what I see of the changes in his behavior? I don’t want to push him, but I am willing to sacrifice my friendship with him…if only that would mean that he would start down his own road of recovery. ANY advice, tips, answers, comments and smart-alecky responses are welcome!!! Thank you so much in advance…