I mentioned a few weeks back that I was doing some reading, reflecting, and journaling on the topic of boundaries as part of my recovery process. I also said that I would post some of my thoughts here and perhaps generate some discussion. Well, then I got a bit distracted with other stuff (I have ADD–deal with it), and I’m just now getting back to the forum. So here are some of the thoughts I had. Feel free to add your own. –TreWalls are inflexible. They cannot be moved, only torn down and rebuilt. Boundaries are flexible. We can re-adjust our boundaries when we feel ready. We can move them just a bit every day or we can eliminate them altogether. If we move them, or eliminate them, and then decide we don’t like it the new way, we can put them back where they were.Walls are a one-size-fits-all approach. They can be useful for things like keeping out hostile invaders, but they can also repel friendly visitors interested in trade or diplomacy. In this sense, walls can actually be counter-productive. Friendly visitors may turn away, while hostile invaders may return with heavier artillery to knock them down.Boundaries can apply to everyone, to a select few, or to just one person. We can decide who our boundaries apply to. My daughter is welcome to sit on my lap; my co-workers, not so much.Walls keep us in as much as they keep others out. When we build a wall, we sacrifice freedom for security.It takes more time and effort to build a wall, but a boundary takes more work in the long run. That’s because we have to enforce it. We can’t expect others to intuit where our boundaries are and not cross them; we have to remind them. Sometimes we have to remind them over and over again before they finally figure it out. While boundaries give us flexibility, we need to enforce them consistently. If we selectively enforce our boundaries, or move them around capriciously, this causes confusion and is a form of psychological abuse. Our boundaries are legitimate and valid when people who wish to respect them are able to do so, and when we are honest about changes in the boundaries. It’s okay to make changes, but we must acknowledge that we have done so. To move our boundaries and then claim that “this is where it’s always been” is known as “Gaslighting”, or “changing the happy rules.” It’s crazy-making behavior.Walls tell others, “I don’t trust you. I don’t expect you to respect my boundaries.” This may be true. Sometimes we don’t trust others. When we don’t, a wall might be just what we need.Boundaries tell others, “I am offering you an opportunity to respect me. When you respect my boundaries, I learn that I can trust you.”