What do you call someone who puts all the blame on you? even though she was the one who started the fight, started to swear, started to taunt through stabbing with a fork, started to swear, started to offend you through your sensitive weaknesses, degrades your parents calls you mom a whore, and blames you in the end saying “YOU ARE THE SOURCE OF ALL EVIL, YOU ARE THE SOURCE WHY I’M SO MAD AT YOU, IF I DID NOT MEET YOU- I WOULDN’T BE THIS ANGRY, YOU RUINED MY LIFE, I WAS OKAY WITHOUT YOU AND KNOW I HAVE TURNED INTO A MONSTER BECAUSE IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT! I’M WASTING MY TIME, AND MONEY WITH YOU INSTEAD OF USING IT FOR MYSELF.”ALL THESE ARE TRUE—-TO ME, THAT IS.This is my gf, on the outside she’s looks like a sweet, unsuspecting girl next door but when things get rough, she’s a complete psycho (i’m sorry there is no other word i could describe her.)But as much as the irony hurts, she’s a girl i love (or loved?) so much, we have invested almost 5 years. FIVE YEARS in this relationship. Thought she was the one i could spend the rest of my life with, turns out she’s a physical and verbal abuser. I don’t know why, but i don’t have the balls to leave her. I always tell myself, she’s got all the good, except she’s got all the bad as well. She’s beautiful, sweet, spiritual, and kind (when she’s okay), and shares the same interests and ideals in life with me.However, I have one point to admit. I have been accused of cheating, lying because of: picturing a bikini model into my cellphone from a front page magazine spread, kissed a girl on the cheek (we were together already, yes i admit, i cheated). Looking at other women when we are together. EVERYTHING I DID I WAS ULTIMATELY SORRY FOR, BEGGED FOR HER FORGIVENESS BECAUSE I LOVED HER VERY MUCH. I question myself often how could i have done these things if i love her, i just wake up in the end and ultimately regret every tiny bit of my wrongdoing. Basically, these are the main sources of her anger. Even though our fight was some petty subtle issue, it would burst and escalate to these primary issues stating that “If you haven’t cheated then i wouldn’t be so mad!!!!”. It started with one bad word against me (swearing), said sorry cause she was very shocked that ominous words came out of her mouth. We would fight again some time, she’d swear again but this time she wasn’t sorry for it anymore. It then rocketed up to physical abuse, i remember i had black and blues all over my shoulder and thighs from: bites, scratches, kicks and punches. Again, she was sorry but pretty soon later she enjoyed hurting me.And if all of this isn’t sounding true enough or plausible to you, wait till you realize that we have a huge age gap. We’re like the Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore kind of couple (a gap of 10 yrs). I feel alone, sad, not good enough no matter how hard i try to make amends, battered, abused, low self esteem, no balls to leave her, no sense of self worth, i even have the same strong feelings for her ever since we met up until now, but i always tell myself i couldn’t find another girl like her (despite all i had to go through).I don’t want to justify anymore and i admit, I am SO spent on trying to make amends anymore. Instead of fighting the temptation to not look at other women or look at skimpy bikini models in magazines, i look at them and i think “not anything i do would amount to anything to her anyway, so why the hell bother?”, There’s a verse in the Bible that aptly fits to this. Romans 7:15 -“I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.” Looking at porn while in a relationship, i fear was cheating. But now, i don’t even care. Sadly enough now, porn would even pacify me, after watching it or during watching it, i’d lust at my girlfriend in my head. I could make love to her, or have sex with her whenever i want in the company of my thoughts. She was mine and only mine i’d thought.I am sorry for this very long letter (honestly, the typing just continued until all that i had to say had to be said). I ask for some help, some advice and some sympathy and hopefully no one would lash at me saying “You deserve it cause you cheated” kinda stuff. But if so, please do it gently, i couldn’t see my own wrongdoing. There’s something deeply wrong with this relationship of mine. Do i deserve to be treated like this because of my wrongdoings? Would you suggest I’d leave? (I remember she’d poke on my vulnerabilities and blackmail me before too often that she’d leave me—-Obviously she knew my reaction would be to grovel and beg for forgiveness no matter how wrong i felt it was for her to abuse the s**t out of me. So that in the end her ego and pride would be stroked and i am once again the one who needs to bend and yield no matter what, even though she was at fault as well ). Thank you very much for the kind attention, it would a great deal of relief to hear your side.Sincerely