Hi all,I found this site doing a search about emotional exhaustion and abuse – trying to find something to help my friend M who is going through a very difficult time. Introducing me: I am nearly 40 this year, and just on 8 years out of an abusive relationship. Unlike many people I came from a loving and relativly sane family (there were some secrets going on, but more of that later), and I suspect that I thought my love could cure the ex’s demons. He was mostly psycholgically abusive, with a sprinkling of financial and sexual abuse just to keep me on my toes and in a total state of self-loathing. At the time he finally left (for a 19 year old, who I had to get a legal letter to stop her emailing me abuse), I met a wonderful man, M. M was (and still is, but is now divorcing) married, and has two daughters. I am not proud of the fact we had an affair. I knew things weren’t great in his marriage, but I didn’t know at the time things were THAT bad. I made a painful (but one he respected) decision to break all contact with him, because I wanted him to focus on being a husband and father. One of the reasons behind me making that break was a deeply personal one, although my parents had been together for 40 years, I had found out in my late 20s that my Dad had been a serial adulterer through 25 of those years, and some of the “sad times” in my family made a whole lot more sense. Mum and Dad broke up in my late 20s, and I felt strongly that for all the failings my father had, I was glad to have him as a great and loving Dad all through my teen years. I was aware in this country that M would have extremely curtailed visitation rights as the male parent, and that the girls would effectivly grow up without a father. I could not do that to them, and neither could I have lived with the disapproval of my own family for doing such a thing.Anyway, various things happened, and we have ended up with him living in my native country and me living in his native country on opposite sides of the world.Late last year, professional and personal reasons coincided where I wanted to get back in touch with him. I know him well enough that if things had been good between he and his wife, he would have made this clear and we could have started a friendship relationship which would still have been able to meet the professional needs I had. Our emails quickly shifted from professional to personal, and he revealed that his relationship had gone from bad to worse…we spoke on the phone and he broke down and told me of his being a victim of domestic abuse (mostly emotional, a fair amount of verbal, some limited physical and some debatable sexual). Circumstances meant he had to make a trip home, and we met, finding out that the feelings for each other were still strong despite an enforced gap.Although his return home was after discovering me again, an event typifying the selfish emotional abuse his wife inflicted on him and his children occured the weekend he got home. This was what made him finally decide to initiate separation proceedings.He has remained in the family home, in part because he was aware without a parenting agreement, there was a high chance that his wife would make it impossible for him to have anything but cursory contact with the children. He wants no more than 50:50 care and an agreement on the nature of their parenting for the two girls (aged 13 and 10). As per the legal process in my native country, there are 8 paid-for sessions with a trained counsellor funded by the department of justice, with the purpose of negotiating a separation agreement. She wasted several of them pleading for him to “continue to love her and come back to her”, then at the last said she would not agree to anything or sign anything unless it went to the courts.After several months of fretting about this and being unable to move on beyond this point, while living in the family home, when I was home on a visit, I frogmarched him to see a divorce lawyer (chosing a male lawyer intentionally, as I knew he needed to have another man hear him and believe him on the matter of abuse). He has since presented an affidavit stating he wants a parenting order for 50:50 custody before he leaves the house, and within that he has stated that the children should be raised in a non-violent home and that the children should be have a lawyer for the children appointed by the courts so their rights were protected and opinions heard.Now, I don’t know if I am oversimplifying, but surely most SANE people would seek legal advice and start the process of negotiation, but no, she gets her own affidavit, stating that she is the main caregiver, that she is totally stressed by him remaining in the family home and that he should leave. She completely ignored the issue of a lawyer for the children in her affidavit. She has refused to speak to him at all during this period of time, other than to argue with him when issues come up with regards to the children.Because he is not reacting, she has shifted the arguments to the eldest daughter, who is fighting back, but is showing increasing signs of distress. She has said to her father she will be saying to the lawyer appointed for her that she wants him to have full-time custody, even though he is the stricter of the two parents, because she can’t cope with her mother’s emotional manipulation. As of this week, he now needs to arrange a meeting with the lawyer for the children who wants to interview him and his wife separately before speaking with the children. He is in a dilemma about whether or not he should raise the issue of physical abuse (it is infrequent and has not happened recently), but also is terrified that if the youngest is left with the mother by herself, she is likely to become the victim of the mother’s emotional volitility. The youngest has expressed that she has enjoyed some of the recent sole parenting weekends he has had with the girls “because no one is yelling at anyone.”On the other side, should he raise it, he is worried his wife will further delay the proceedings and do no negotiating until they are in front of a judge – and all of this costs money, he feels ill able to afford, coming to the end of an employment contract with the possibility in these economic times that he won’t have the contract renewed.I have also pointed out to him that his wife has a history of embellishing the truth and he needs to be aware he may be cast in the role of abuser in the interview she has with the children’s lawyer. Hopefully there is enough evidence to refute this, but it really is getting pretty unpleasant for all concerned.Has anyone else got thoughts on what he can do to help himself/protect himself? Any ideas on how to deal with the emotional exhaustion that her delaying tactics cause him? I make minimal demands on him, give him time and space to speak on the phone, encourage him to connect with the few male friends who he has maintained (who have all been amazing and supportive in the process so far – including helping him write a very good affidavit). We both desparately want to be together, but my career and studies mean I am stuck on this side of the world for several more years other than short visits.It is painful seeing this going on for someone I love so much, I know I am fully healed of my own issues, because I can offer support without being drawn into the old feelings, but I really wish I wasn’t so afraid she will make this as hard as she can for both M and his lovely girls. She really doesn’t seem to give a damn about the damage she is causing.Anyway that is meKH