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We’re a self-help resource and support network for abused women and men. Here, you will begin understanding and healing, all in complete privacy – all in your own time. We’re a safe, quiet place to find the answers you need to start living your life on your terms.
You own the right to be treated with kindness, love and respect. Claim it! It’s time for you to gather up your spirit and rejoin the world. You have been alone and hurt for long enough. Now it’s your time to fly – to thrive and become all that you can be.
Your survival instinct has kicked in. Welcome back 🙂
We’ve been quietly sharing our resources with the world since 2003 – doing our part to help end all abuse, everywhere.
A random global spin is sharing this day with you:
Nov 17 International Students’ Day
There are no passengers on spaceship Earth – we are all crew. Let’s make our cruise the best it can be for all sentient life and the world’s biodiversity – for the air, the earth and the oceans.
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Meet the Cluster B personality disorders. Chances are you already know one – or two.
Is your partner either loving or hateful? Peaceful or raging? Gloriously happy or depressed?
Everything you need to identify the users & abusers and get them out of your life for good.
You own the right to be treated with kindness, love and respect – take the steps to reclaim your life!
If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much. – Jim Rohn
We’re in the global arena… fighting the war against abusers and loud-mouth bullies from our base in Ontario, Canada.
Inside About Us you’ll find our contact info, acknowledgements and copyright permissions.
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Creating A Serial Bully
Cognitive Dissonance
Contents
Men Hurt Too
About abuse
Abused men speak up
Abusive women
Brain Works
Co-dependence & abuse
Effects of repeated abuse
How men handle abuse
Men’s Health
Try a Quiz
Recovering from abuse
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Save Yourself
Brain Works
Bullies
The Drama Triangle
Personality Disorders
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Stockholm Syndrome
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A Woman’s Heart
Abused women speak up
Abusive men
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Co-dependence & abuse
Effects of repeated abuse
How women handle abuse
Men’s Health
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Recovering from abuse
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Special interest
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About abuse
A Woman’s Heart
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- MHT Men Hurt Too – listings for men searching for answers and support
- SYS Save Yourself – listings for info on bullies, abusers, users and personality disorders
- AWH A Woman’s Heart – listings for woman searching for answers and support
- 93 indicators of abuse – Take a cruise through the Abused Man Quiz. It’s a mixture of standard signs of abuse and critical factors. The quiz results will provide you with valuable pieces of your abuse puzzle – leaving you no doubt whatsoever.
- Behind Closed Doors -Closed door abuse, in whatever form it takes, breaks hearts and spirits. We are left alone to wonder… Why does she treat me like this? Why only me? Why not anyone else?
- Getting past minimizing & justifying abuse – Rather than simply pondering the rather nebulous question of “Am I or am I not in an abusive relationship?” It is often helpful to look at some specific questions that can bring abuse to light more subtly by getting past the minimizing, rationalizing and justifying.
- Abused men speak up #1 – As you read, you will feel an unspoken connection with each one of these men on an emotional and psychological level. Without a doubt, you will come across an experience, or several of them, which mirrors your own.
- Abused men speak up #2 – More excerpts & short stories from abused men
- Beaten over a haircut – The first time my ex-wife’s temper turned from vicious insults into violence was after I’d had a haircut she didn’t like. She dragged me down the hall by my hair, punching the back of my neck.
- Richard’s Story – My wife and her mother have emotionally abused me as a male, a man, a father, a son-in-law and a husband for over 30 years. I didn’t know what it was called, just sensed how it worked and certainly suffered the effects increasingly.
- Inside the abusive mind – The goal of an abusive woman is to control you. She uses her abusive behaviors to manipulate you into submission or compliance with her will. She accomplishes control over you in a variety of ways.
- Help for abusive women – Only your partner can make the decision to seek help. Women who batter often do not accept full responsibility for their violent behavior. Instead, they blame their partners, stress, alcohol/other drugs, anger, loss of control, an unhappy childhood, or someone or something else.
- Brainwashing – This is how she gets what she wants. She brainwashes you using methods similar to those of prison guards who recognize that physical control is never easily accomplished without the cooperation of the prisoner.
- Is she playing you? – Many abusers have a specific body language. It comprises an unequivocal series of subtle – but discernible – warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date comports herself – and save yourself a lot of trouble!
- Mind control – Each of these stages takes place in an environment of isolation, meaning all “normal” social reference points are unavailable, and mind-clouding techniques like sleep deprivation and malnutrition are typically part of the process.
- Quiz – These patterns and characteristics are offered from CODA (Codependents Anonymous) as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to people who are new to learning about co-dependency.hese patterns and characteristics are offered from CODA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to people who are new to learning about codependency.
- Codependency & abuse – Codependency and abuse often go hand in hand. Some types of people are attracted to people who are emotionally abusive. They complain, blame and try to control, yet they continue to allow others to hurt them. Why do they do this?
- Abuse changes you – Has abuse affected you? Yes, most assuredly it has, whether you are aware of it or not. Answering these questions honestly will give you a good idea just how severely abuse has hurt you and changed you.
- Beaten over a haircut #3 – The first time my ex-wife’s temper turned from vicious insults into violence was after I’d had a haircut she didn’t like. She dragged me down the hall by my hair, punching the back of my neck.
- Riding the wheel – The cycle of abuse in action – You have likely kept on trying and trying your best to resolve issues and doing everything in your power to try to stop her abusive behavior… and nothing has worked. Nothing has worked because she doesn’t want to stop controlling you and abuse is her method of doing it.
- The Terminator – Lenore Walker’s theory rests on the idea that abusive relationships, once established, are characterized by a predictable repetitious pattern of abuse, whether emotional, psychological or physical, with psychological abuse nearly always preceding and accompanying physical abuse.
- Battered man syndrome – o understand battered men’s syndrome, one must first understand how someone becomes a “battered man”. According to Dr. Lenore E. Walker, the nation’s most prominent expert on battered men, a man must experience at least two complete battering cycles before he can be labeled a “battered man”.
- Men are people too – Why do men remain silent about abuse? Why is it so difficult for a man to both admit and talk about being abused by his partner. David L. Fontes talks about the reasons.
- Why do we stay? – Other people do not understand how living with abuse gradually deteriorates soul and self – piece by piece. Only those of us who are being abused can understand we’ve stayed. We have a million reasons why we can’t stay and a million reasons why we can’t leave.
- Male Menopause (Andropause) – Dr. Jed Diamond writes: “When I first began research on the “male change of life” in 1995, the idea that men suffered from male menopause was seen as some kind of a joke.”
- Quiz: Are you being abused? – Take a cruise through the Abused Man Quiz. It’s a mixture of standard signs of abuse and critical factors. The quiz results will provide you with valuable pieces of your abuse puzzle – leaving you no doubt whatsoever.
- Quiz – These patterns and characteristics are offered from CODA (Codependents Anonymous) as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to people who are new to learning about co-dependency.hese patterns and characteristics are offered from CODA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to people who are new to learning about codependency.
- Quiz: Are you a highly sensitive man? – According to Elaine Aron Ph.D., Highly Sensitive People have an uncommonly sensitive nervous system – a normal occurrence. Take the quickie quiz to see if you are an HSP.
- Assertive behavior – Discovering healthy assertive behaviour. “Whether you stay in your relationship, or you leave, “you will need to learn how to take care of yourself. You will need to learn how to stop rescuing, to set your personal limits and boundaries, and how to be assertive.”
- Healthy Self-esteem – Healthy self-esteem means feeling good about yourself… When you have high self-esteem, you create energy in your life to make things happen. When you feel good about yourself, it is easier to know you matter, and what you do does make a difference. Be aware that every negative belief diminishes your ability to value yourself.
- Self-empowerment – Self-empowerment through setting personal boundaries. Learning how to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to own yourself, of learning to respect yourself, of learning to love yourself. No one deserves to be treated abusively.
- Relationship warning signs – Potential female abusers will give you warning signs. If the abuse has occurred during dating, it is very likely to continue after marriage.
- Loving or abusive? – Cmpare your relationship. Power and control are at the center of a violent and abusive relationship. Equality and mutual respect are the center in a well-balanced relationship. A healthy relationship is kind, equal, loving and fulfilling. Abusive relationships are spiteful, controlling, terrorizing and stagnating.
- Leaving – think ahead – Always remember: Safety First “Leaving an abusive partner is a very difficult thing to do. It frequently feels like you are failing, or destroying your family, or not trying to work things out, or not giving your partner “a second chance.” It hurts, and it’s scary.” – Blaine Nelson
- Heads-up on lawyers – Be aware before you make legal decisions. Unfairly so, abused men are often placed into the position of making life influencing legal decisions while they are still adversely affected by the abuse they have survived. The decisions you make now… will look entirely different to you in a few months or a year… when you have begun to recover.
- Intro to Highly Sensitive People – The immediate thing that comes to mind when people hear the word “sensitive” is that a person gets their feelings hurt really easily. Whereas this kind of emotional sensitivity can certainly be a part of being an HSP, it by no means…
- A New Generation – Males who repress their emotions have created a planet on the brink of disaster, since most male world leaders behave in a bellicose and combative manner rather than exhibiting compassionate and cooperative behavior.
- Challenges for Highly Sensitive Men – Challenges for Highly Sensitive Men – This article is part of an ongoing series about the joys and challenges of being a Highly Sensitive Person. It is part of an overall guide to better understanding what high sensitivity – as an inborn genetic trait – is all about.
- Defense of Sensitivity – One of the most common accusations abusers hurl at their victims is the phrase, “You’re just too sensitive! This phrase, or one of its relatives, strikes fear into the heart of many an abuse survivor.
- Highly-sensitive men can save the planet – Most boys are taught from an early age to act tough and repress their emotions. According to author William Pollock, whenever boys do not conform to the “boy code” and instead show their gentleness and emotions, they are usually ostracized and humiliated.
- Sensitive men in love – As an HSP herself, Aron reassures other Highly Sensitives that they are quite normal. Their trait is not a flaw or a syndrome, nor is it a reason to brag. It is an asset they can learn to use and protect.
- Survival tips for highly sensitive men – Ted Zeff, Ph.D., received his doctorate in psychology in 1981 from the California Institute of Integral Studies in San Francisco, CA. Dr. Zeff has more than 25 years experience counseling sensitive children and adults.
- Ultra-sensitive men – Roger Easterbrook
- Ultra-sensitive men in abusive relationships – Bert Hoff
- CDC Study on Male Abuse – More Men than Women Victims of Intimate Partner Physical Violence, Psychological Aggression. Over 40% of victims of severe physical violence are men. Men were also more often the victim of psychological aggression and control over sexual or reproductive health. Despite this, few services are available to male victims of intimate partner violence.
- International Men’s Day – The concept and themes of IMD are designed to give hope to the depressed, faith to the lonely, comfort to the broken-hearted, transcend barriers, eliminate stereotypes and create a more caring humanity.
- Intimate Partner Abuse – The extent of the comparable issue of domestic abuse of men is not as well known and understood by the general public. However, recent findings have become available that contribute to a better understanding of domestic or intimate partner abuse of men.
- The secret side of DV – When I first heard the phrase “male victims of domestic violence” I rolled my eyes. My mind served up an image of a sniveling bully with a bandaged hand wishing he’d had the presence of mind to pound his wife’s head with an ashtray instead of his fist.
- Survivor to Thriver – You deserve respect and you deserve to be loved for just who you are. Heart 2 Heart Living is a great big warm hug filled with hope from my heart to your heart. I understand how you feel because I lived it
- Highly Sensitive – An NBC Interview with Dr. Ted Zeff. Ted is the author of The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide, The Highly Sensitive Person’s Companion and The Strong, Sensitive Boy. His books have been translated into five languages.
- Highly Sensitive Boys and Men – An Interview with Dr. Ted Zeff
- Liespotting – On any given day we’re lied to from 10 to 200 times, and the clues to detect those lie can be subtle and counter-intuitive. Pamela Meyer, author of Liespotting, shows the manners and “hotspots” used by those trained to recognize deception — and she argues honesty is a value worth preserving.
- Men Don’t Tell – Based on a true story of Ed MacAffrey, it dramatizes the story of a loving husband, who is terrorized by the violent behavior of his wife. He had long endured the physical and emotional abuse heaped upon him by his neurotic wife.
- Sensitive People: HSPs in Love – An Interview with Elaine Aron Ph.D. – “One of my reasons, corny sounding but so true: The world needs love. And I believe HSPs are meant to bring much of that love to light. But we need help with intimacy, I have found.”
- Lie Spotting – On any given day we’re lied to from 10 to 200 times, and the clues to detect those lie can be subtle and counter-intuitive.
- Post traumatic stress disorder – You may feel afraid or feel that you have no control over what is happening. These symptoms may disrupt your life, making it hard to continue with your daily activities.
- 4 common types of bullies – The profile of a serial bully covers the most commonly-reported behaviours of serial bullies. From casework, Tim Field has been able to identify four primary types of serial bully.
- Behind the bully’s mask – Since childhood, bullies have learnt that they can avoid the unpleasant consequences of bad behaviour through the instinctive response of denial, blame, and feigning victimhood.
- Bullies & irresistible you – How people can be so easily and repeatedly taken in by the bully’s glib charm? Look inside a bully and review personal qualities that bullies find irresistible.
- Creating a serial bully – How does an innocent child become an abusive adult? Abuse is defined in the dictionary as “an evil or corrupt practice; deceit, betrayal, molestation, violation.
- FAQs of bullying – The truth about bullies at work, at home – anywhere. Bullies see any form of vulnerability as an opportunity for manipulation, and are especially prone to exploiting those who are most emotionally needy.
- Inside serial bullies – The lack of interpersonal, social, and empathic skills are reminiscent of autism; the serial bully relies almost entirely on rules, procedures, aggression, denial and mimicry to hide their lack of people skills.
- Personality disorders & bullies – Tim Field estimates that around 1 person in 30 (approximately 2 million) in the UK exhibits the profile of the serial bully whose behaviour is congruent with many of the diagnostic criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder.
- Poisonous people – Bullying is persistent unwelcome behaviour, mostly using unwarranted or invalid criticism, nit-picking, fault-finding, also exclusion, isolation, being singled out and treated differently, being shouted at, humiliated, having verbal and written warnings imposed, and much more.
- 3 roles of drama – We’re baited to play each one. It’s helpful to learn what the costs and trade-offs are for each of the three roles. Each role has its own language, beliefs and behavior – it’s beneficial to know them.
- Triangular living consequences – Living on the victim triangle creates misery and suffering no matter what your primary starting gate position may be. The cost is tremendous for all three roles and leads to emotional, mental and even physical pain.
- The shame generator – Whether we know it, or not, most of us react to life as victims. Whenever we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we are unconsciously choosing to react as victim.
- Borderline personality disorder – Whether we know it, or not, most of us react to life as victims. Whenever we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we are unconsciously choosing to react as victim.
- Core features of PDs – Mental health professionals have identified ten personality disorders. In Dr. Carver’s observations, all Cluster B Personality Disorders have core personality features that serve as the foundation for their specific personality disorder .
- PDs: Are they aware? – With Personality Disorders we eventually begin to question: Are these characteristics calculated and purposeful or are they unconscious behaviors that are not under their control? In working with Personality Disorders, we see both.
- Personality disorders & bullies – Tim Field estimates that around 1 person in 30 (approximately 2 million) in the UK exhibits the profile of the serial bully whose behaviour is congruent with many of the diagnostic criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder.
- PD diagnostic guidlines – The formal diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder, or dissocial personality disorder, rests on these symptoms, which can be evaluated by psychiatrists and other mental health professionals.
- Relationship destroyers – This group of personality disorders is so common there’s a very good chance you’re dealing with a PD individual somewhere in your life whether it’s your spouse, your parent, your co-worker- perhaps your child.
- Post traumatic stress – PTSD is an anxiety disorder that can occur after you have been through a traumatic event. You may feel afraid or feel that you have no control over what is happening. These symptoms may make it hard to continue with your daily activities.
- Cognitive dissonance – People find themselves supporting and participating in life situations that range from abusive to bizarre. In talking with them, it is clear they have developed feelings and attitudes that support their participation.
- Stockholm syndrome mystery – Why do some people love their abusers? If you’re in a controlling and abusive relationship, you may recognize several of the characteristics described in this article by Dr. Joseph M. Carver, PhD.
- Am I Codependent? – Are you currently involved in an abusive relationship? Do you seem to have a pattern of finding yourself in one abusive relationship after the other? Codependency is definitely an avenue worthy of your attention.
- MEN: Am I abused? – Cruise through the Abused Man Quiz. Covering all the bases, it’s a mixture of standard signs of abuse and critical factors. The quiz results will provide you with valuable pieces of your abuse puzzle.
- Lie Spotting – On any given day we’re lied to from 10 to 200 times, and the clues to detect those lie can be subtle and counter-intuitive. Pamela Meyer, author of Liespotting, shows the manners and “hotspots” used by those trained to recognize deception.
- Signs of an abused woman – Behind closed doors. Abusers are usually excellent actors, therefore, many people outside your home may only know him as a “wonderful person” or a “really great guy.”
- Quiz: Am I Abused? – Take a cruise through the Abused Woman Quiz. You’ll see, in factual numbers, the extent of the abuse you are living with and whether or not you are living in the critical factor range.
- Abused women speak up – As you read, you will feel an unspoken connection with each one of these women on an emotional and psychological level.
- Help for abusive men – Men who batter often do not accept full responsibility for their violent behavior. Instead, they blame their partners, stress, alcohol/other drugs, anger, loss of control, an unhappy childhood, or someone or something else.
- Why is he so mean? – The goal of an abusive man is to control you. He uses his abusive behaviors to manipulate you into submission or compliance with his will.
- Brainwashing women – This is how he gets what he wants. He brainwashes you using methods similar to those of prison guards who recognize that physical control is never easily accomplished without the cooperation of the prisoner.
- All about mind control – Each of these stages takes place in an environment of isolation, meaning all “normal” social reference points are unavailable, and mind-clouding techniques like sleep deprivation and malnutrition are typically part of the process.
- Detecting lies – Many abusers have a specific body language. It comprises an unequivocal series of subtle – but discernible – warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date comports himself – and save yourself a lot of trouble!
- Quiz: Co-dependency – These patterns and characteristics are offered from CODA (Codependents Anonymous) as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to people who are new to learning about codependency.
- Codependency & abuse – Are you currently involved in an abusive relationship? Do you seem to have a pattern of finding yourself in one abusive relationship after the other? Codependency is definitely an avenue worthy of your attention.
- Cycle of abuse – This insidious, repetitious wheel will break you so smoothly, there’s an excellent chance you won’t realize you’ve lost yourself. For some people it may take years… but it will break you.
- Inside the cycle of abuse – Through repetition, The Cycle of Abuse becomes a familiar, well-choreographed “dance” in which each person knows their role intimately and behaves accordingly.
- Abuse changes you – You may have become a mere shadow of your former self – a woman who goes through the motions of everyday life with no hope, no joy, no real happiness. You may have turned to drugs, alcohol to help you cope.
- Abused women speak up – As you read, you will feel an unspoken connection with each one of these women on an emotional and psychological level. You will come across an experiences which mirrors your own.
- Rationalizing abuse – “Am I or am I not in an abusive relationship?” It is often helpful to look at some specific questions that can bring abuse to light more subtly by getting past the minimizing, rationalizing and justifying.
- Why do we stay? – Only those of us who are being abused can understand why we’ve stayed. We have a million reasons why we can’t stay and million reasons why we can’t leave.
- Male “menopause” – Male Menopause, Irritable Male Syndrome, and Male-type Depression. I sometimes think of them as the triple whammy. But with a little understanding and help from those we love, we don’t have to let them do us in.
- Quiz: Are you a sensitive? – Try Elaine’s quiz to see if you are an Ultra-Sensitive Woman.
- Quiz: Co-dependency – These patterns and characteristics are offered from CODA (Codependents Anonymous) as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to people who are new to learning about codependency.
- Quiz: Am I Abused? – Take a cruise through the Abused Woman Quiz. You’ll see, in factual numbers, the extent of the abuse you are living with and whether or not you are living in the critical factor range.
- Assertive behavior – One of the reasons you may have been so attractive to an emotionally abusive person is that it has been clear from the start that you could be manipulated into taking care of him, and furthermore, that his needs were more important than yours.
- Feeling good about you – Healthy self-esteem means feeling good about yourself… When you have high self-esteem, you create energy in your life to make things happen.
- Empowering women – Self-empowerment through setting personal boundaries. Learning how to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to own yourself, of learning to respect yourself, of learning to love yourself.
- Relationship warning signs – Potential male abusers will give you warning signs. If the abuse has occurred during dating, it is very likely to continue after marriage.
- Loving or abusive? – A healthy relationship is kind, equal, loving and fulfilling. Abusive relationships are spiteful, controlling, terrorizing and stagnating.
- Leaving – think ahead – Always remember: Safety First. Leaving an abusive partner is a very difficult thing to do. It frequently feels like you are failing, or destroying your family, or not trying to work things out, or not giving your partner “a second chance.” It hurts, and it’s scary.
- Sensitive women in love – I have found that when HSPs aren’t understood by themselves and others, that spells trouble. On the average HSPs, are a bit happier paired with each other. They understand each other.
- Quiz: Are you a sensitive? – Try Elaine’s quiz to see if you are an Ultra-Sensitive Woman.
- Ultra-sensitive women – Staying centered and feeling safe when the world overwhelms you – being an Ultra-Sensitive Person [USP] means you pick up on most of the subtleties around you, no matter what they are.
- Smart legal decisions – Be aware before you make legal decisions. Unfairly so, abused men are often placed into the position of making life influencing legal decisions while they are still adversely affected by the abuse they have survived.
- Survivor to Thriver – A personal note of inspiration from the author of Heart 2 Heart Living.
- Defense of Sensitivity – One of the most common accusations abusers hurl at their victims is the phrase, “You’re just too sensitive!” Maia asks…What the hell is wrong with being sensitive?
- Liespotting – In any given day we’re lied to from 10 to 200 times. Pamela Meyer, author of Liespotting, shows the manners and “hotspots” used by those trained to recognize deception – and she argues honesty is a value worth preserving.
- Sensitive People: HSPs in Love – An Interview with Elaine Aron Ph.D. One of my reasons, corny sounding but so true: The world needs love. And I believe HSPs are meant to bring much of that love to light.
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2014 Status
- How on earth does a completely innocent child grow up to become a user, an abuser, psychopath or serial bully? – Tim Field
- “Cognitive Dissonance” offers an explaination on how and why we can justify staying in unhealthy or abusive relationships. – Joseph M. Carver PhD
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